I could be gone tonight and you wouldn't realize it for a couple of days. Remember the hugs you were going to give me?

Something deep in my heart tells me not to leave you like that even though I want to go right this second. 

Wouldn't make a sound and in five minutes irreversible brain damage and in ten minutes my heart stops beating on its own. Parlor mortis paleness 15-120 minutes. Livor mortis 20-30 minutes purplish blue, Algor mortis temperature starts to drop, Rigor mortis start to get stiff, then Putrefaction probably by morning. Bloat comes next with blow flys, flesh flies, then the maggots start crawling around and the smell comes liquid running out of the orifices.

All this time you have no clue I've entered HELL.

I'll see if you look at me the same ever again. 

Desire is gone. Life is not all that it is cracked up to be.

I All human activity is prompted by desire. There is a wholly fallacious theory advanced by some earnest moralists to the effect that it is possible to resist desire in the interests of duty and moral principle. I say this is fallacious, not because no man ever acts from a sense of duty, but because duty has no hold on him unless he desires to be dutiful. If you wish to know what men will do, you must know not only, or principally, their material circumstances, but rather the whole system of their desires with their relative strengths. https://www.brainpickings.org/2015/09/21/bertrand-russell-nobel-prize-acceptance-speech/

The problem I am faced with every day is the never ending cycle that I have no more desire. I have a wife, two daughters, a nine year old and a five month old. I want them to be happy but I don't care if I am there to see it. I look at death in a very morbid way. I know it's inevitable and that we will all encounter it someday. I entertain how I'm going to leave this existence of wondering when I will ever please my spouse. I have tried for twelve torturous years trying to figure out why we end up in a verbal nuclear weapons exchange and never come together on anything. I finally started seeing a therapist and learned I have been doing it all wrong from day one! I see that understanding my own self will take years that I am not willing to put into it. The pain that I wake up to or go to sleep in the AM by is wearing out its welcome.

I need to leave the best and the most that I can for my family before I just leave the way I came. Naked and alone.